Pregnancy // Should we find out the baby's gender?

January 21, 2019

One of the first things that people asked us when hearing that we were having a baby was/is ‘are you going to find out what you’re having?’. I mean, it’s what I ask most pregnant women too, do you know if it’s a girl or boy? And I feel like these days the majority do find out and enjoy sharing that with everyone before the baby is born?

We firmly said that no we wouldn’t be finding out, it’s one of life’s only real surprises. And my husband is still set firm on this. I always thought I wouldn’t want to, especially for a first baby. But as time goes on, and we start looking at clothes and nursery design, I’m becoming more desperate! I’m writing this before we go to California, where upon our return it will be my 20 week scan and we’ll need to make up our minds. Or rather, I need to see if I can convince Ben to find out, orrr try and really rationalise it myself to keep it a surprise. Some people have a premonition, but I genuinely have no idea.

{side note, we could have found out at 10 weeks when we had a harmony test but asked not to. But then when they called me with the results and my husband was out, I said ‘do you know the gender?’ Just on the off chance. It was a moment of weakness! But luckily they said no you asked not to find out. Ben hasn’t trusted me ever since 😂. }

I feel like it’s more fun not to find out, guessing all the way to the end and trying to guess on bump shape for example {my husband is actually an expert at this!}. And then of course having that huge moment after the birth where you discover if the baby you’ve carried is in fact your daughter or son which nothing could ever replicate. Along with all of our friends and family kept guessing throughout and eagerly waiting to find out too it’s more fun too. Once you know, during pregnancy, then you know and that anticipation is gone.

Some people say it gives you more motivation to push, after that long wait you can finally find out. But I feel like just meeting my baby would be motivation in itself? And the birth itself would be such a huge event, would it be too overwhelming to have everything, gender news and a new baby at once? And others say that by finding out in advance, you have more of a bond/connection with your unborn baby knowing if it’s a girl or a boy.

I think I’m right in thinking that the gender of a baby is decided by the sperm so therefore the male's side, and my husband’s family has a stupidly high rate of boys. As in, none of the men have ever produced a girl for a couple of generations. It’s boys, boys, boys. Even though it should be 50/50?! So that side of the family say it will be a miracle if I do in fact have the first girl. I remember Ben’s sweet grandma always saying that to me before she died earlier last year, ‘make sure you have a girl’.

In truth, I could see myself happily with either especially as it’s our first baby. I know some people find out in advance to avoid feeling that initial disappointment if they had a strong preference for whatever reason. I guess for a lot of women they’d prefer a girl just because that’s what they know, or to have that kind of mother daughter relationship. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stoked about alll the pretty girly floral prints and gorgeous girls clothes, but equally I could really see us with an adventurous boy. And my husband says that boys are so much easier long term through the teenage years 😂. Plus, we have a really strong boys name that I’d love to use. It’s a cliche isn’t it but all I want is a healthy baby.

It’s not even that I want to label them in a huge gender stereotypical way, in fact I’m quite anti baby clothes websites having specific girl and boy sections. But I’d quite like just the odd little pink or blue detail on a baby grow for instance, or a slight nursery theme. It’s more knowing if I can buy liberty print florals or whether it will be more blue stripes and start getting everything all ready.

I know that at first newborn babies look sweetest in neutrals and white to begin with anyway. Our friends said that by not finding out, then you’ll have more gender neutral clothing to pass onto the next baby which I guess is true. And my husband says we’ll have plenty of time to buy clothes once they’ve arrived or friends/family would probably want to buy an outfit. I know a friend who had a baby in the summer who’s mum bought lots of girl & boy outfits in advance and then took back one gender once the baby was born!

Part of my problem is that I know that I'm terrible with surprises in general. So you can imagine why this is an especially hard decision. And as my Mum said, 'you like to be in control of everything' so I guess that's a big part of it too? The not knowing is a killer. But will it just be an anti climax by finding out early?

Did you find out?? What were your biggest reasons? Our friends who recently had a baby decided to find out but wanted to keep it a secret and they spent the whole pregnancy covering up by saying ‘he’ mixed in with ‘she’ when talking about the baby so nobody knew but then about a week before the due date, let it slip that the Dad had been looking at cute dresses and we suddenly knew! I’m still going backwards and forwards on it almost daily. Sorry for this rambling post!

As Ben’s mum says, at the end of the day ‘it will be a baby!’. And would knowing or not knowing take away from any of the magic of meeting your new baby for the first time?

Would love to hear your thoughts. I'll share a photo on Instagram to make it easier to comment.

R <3 xx

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  1. Another great pregnancy post :-) Love how your blog is evolving like your life, it is so real- I love it!

    I was never sure if I wanted to know, but a friend of mine was told she was having a girl - cue the girlie themed baby shower, beautiful girlie nursery and all the pink baby-grows and dresses you can think of. When baby was finally born it was a boy! She was a low-risk mum so had few scans and apparently "he" was hiding in between the legs, making it seem like a girl. Now i know this is probably a tiny percentage of cases, but since then I have always worried. Would bonding be harder if you were told it was a girl and out popped a boy... But then as you say how exciting to get everything ready and feel in control. As if expectant mums don't have enough to worry about!

  2. Lovely post as always, you make me smile with your thoughts and indecision’s. I’ve got 3 children and didn’t find out in any of them and I can quite emphatically say that when they pass you your child and tell you the sex, it is the best and most emotional moment of your life, so I am totally for not knowing as I don’t know if the feeling would be the same as the massive rush. So I hope Ben sticks to his guns ��
    Looking forward to following the next few months ❤️ Xx

  3. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and we decided to find out the sex - for me, I think the moment they are born will be so overwhelming/out of body I'm not sure I would really process any extra information at that point! Also, everyone was convinced they were a boy as, like you, my husband's family is literally all boys. So we were amazed when we were told we were having a girl - I'm glad we found out, as everyone was so convinced I'm sure we would have ended up with lots of boys things! Whatever you decide, it will be brilliant - personally, I was just glad we could half the number of names to disagree over ;) Emily x

  4. Knowing will NEVER take away from the magic of meeting your baby for the first time. We officially found out we were having a boy at our 20 week scan (however, the midwife made a comment to my boyfriend about it being obvious but it wasn’t until they confirmed it at the 20 week scan that I got what they were talking about!) It is just nice to know what you’re having and when baby arrives you’re more worried about they’re health and what bits look like which parent, than the gender. Also, I really do think it helps with bonding massively. I’d find out!


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